I am responsible for my current state

Sometimes it doesn’t feel good at all. Lately I have developed this strangeness which is acceptable in case of people who are new to it. My experience in going through such situations has been tremendous. So this strangeness appears rather weird. In being true to myself I realized that I have admitted to the fact that my perplexed state of mind is nothing but my skill of indecisiveness. So when I say that I don’t feel good I also know that I am responsible for it. I see people so bold and confident, those ready to take utmost risk and even pump in that extra bit or may be even more to achieve what they dreamt of. Some think ahead of time and reach the milestones faster than others and some just run late. There are a privileged few who can just dream of anything and there a few for whom whatever they think of becomes a dream.

The rest fall in to a category called middle class, where the ability to take risk is forfeited in the memorandum of understanding for life. And so they dream when they sleep and lead a very secure and calculated life. And when they die, we say a good man is dead. I have spent more than two decades of my life just thinking about how good I would feel when I would achieve a certain something. Just that thought lets me sleep well.

Lately when I get up in the morning I hate myself, normally I feel lazy even to do that. It’s a combination of an inherited sense going steady in life averting every possible risk and feeling great about average success. The second thing is the subtle overconfidence that above par capabilities would yield even in the worst case scenario at least at par results. I may be happy in what I do now but the thought of the things that I wish to do makes me happier. So when I say that I don’t feel good I also know that I am responsible for it because I do nothing about it.