I know for sure that this is the closest I can be to falling crazily for someone. Even though the memories are soured by my immaturity, yet they remain beautiful in my heart. I often ask this question and I get the same answer every time. Is it justified to be a baggage for somebody? Hold on to her when she can have the world? My feelings are stronger and the more I think about her happiness my decision becomes firm. I understand it’s going to be hard. But it’s for her good. She has had the worst time with me. It doesn’t mean that I am a terrible person; we just have about similar demands at times.
She is not in loov with me. I can live with it. But being with her is as wonderful and mysterious as life can be. I want her, I need her, all of her, but that’s what I want. She has suffered and is suffering. There is so much that she wants to do. Despite that one thing that binds and brings us together, she wants to breathe free. I am just being myself, that’s the way I am. She wants to be in loov with somebody who I will be, that’s when I change. To be that somebody it will take a hell lot of time. I can be selfish and be with her and let her suffer till then or let her go free. No guilt, no regret, no expectations, no boundaries. Who am I to give that freedom? It’s her right. I am only a roadblock or a hindrance between her and the limitless.
If I ask myself whether I will be capable to fulfill her desires, I can bet I will leave no stone unturned. But I can’t do it today or tomorrow or in the days to come. Knowing that she’s not in loov with me and seeks companionship the right thing to do is get out of her way. I can be companion anyways. And when I say “I am breaking up with you…enjoy your freedom”. I want you to know that I loov you. I do. There is no sarcasm or taunt. I feel helpless. I want to see you happy. She is a lovely girl brimming with life. Innocent and naïve at heart. The little happiness I can give you is not what you deserve. So I am breaking up from the chain holding you. Baby I am here. When you glide through the clouds and feel the wind through your wings I will be the happiest. I also want to tell you that I never wanted to make you suffer. And that I am sorry for all the mistakes. I am nobody to decide what’s best for you… I am only trying to give what I can to the best of my abilities at this moment.
You are my sweetheart. I am going be around to comfort and support you.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
How to keep sane in times of despair? Approach to tackle the disease.
How to keep sane in times of despair? Approach to tackle the disease. I tend to differ in opinion from those who think that you need to push the refresh button when the situation is hitting shallow waters. Instead it should be done on a timely basis. Get up, walk, run and stop! Look, observe, realize, analyze and learn! Proceed! Following this activity as a routine check-up detects the disease at a very early stage. A self reliant person can quickly get to the root of the signs and pluck it before it strengthens its grip.
Considering the intensity of our involvements in the more frivolous aspects in our lives, this minimal effort is nothing more than a piece of writing. Lets us examine the major and minor categories of involvements and our treatment towards them. When I think about happiness I think about sex and satisfaction. I would like to replace the word sex with ‘loov making’ as I believe without feelings a sexual experience isn’t absolute. This is one of our major involvements that should be treated with respect. Don’t do it because humans have this natural instinct. Focus more on the quality than the quantity. Trust me it can do wonders. (Doesn’t mean to decrease the count). Make ‘loov’ with somebody whom you think is worthy of it. Such a discretionary choice is vital to ensure realization of the fulfillment of your hidden and most sensitive feelings. I find myself under-equipped to define them. My attempt to do so suggests relief from the never ending instances of pain, trust upon trust of your partner for you and immense pleasure.
The art of capitalizing satisfaction requires a keen interest for life in general. This may include frequent and short term activities and rare and long term activities. The focus is more on the latter because they are prominent and consolidated. This is acceptable unless the former isn’t skimmed out. This idea is only a reinforcement of the bare facts of life that ironically we manage to ignore. Satisfaction is stamped as a destination and there is a constant effort to reach it via various materialist and emotional paths. We fight, hurt our own people, become selfish and arrogant and try to use all possible measures to reach the goal. And as we come closer to the goal we rappel even faster from the reality to illusion. An illusion that shouts “satisfaction guaranteed”.
The harder we try the more difficult it gets. Drawn swords are for the war to save the little satisfaction that one might get in making efforts to sustain it.
Hey! Do you ever feel an urge to talk to a street urchin or a stranger? Travelling in a taxi or plane, does it feel nice to initiate a smile to the fellow traveler? Due to some odd mental block you choose to ignore these urges. Just the way we ignore the importance of loov and compassion in our lives. How we let our ego dominate our senses and prohibit even diminutive exploitation of small moments of joy. Tease your lover and show her your loov. Tell her that you can do anything for her, even if you guys have been lighting your ego lamps for months now. Tickle your dad, buy him some nice liquor and share a drink with him. Light his cigarette. Carry your mom’ s purse for a change. Say thank you to your domestic help when he/she gets you a glass of water. Its common mistake that letting go means cheating on your partner to find satisfaction.
Satisfaction lies within and it’s the cause and remedy for stress. It begets happiness. A satisfied soul is happy.
Adverse conditions aren’t in our control, tackling them is. A friend of mine told me that if you feel trapped think of your life as a movie and be an observer to yourself. Also articles like these come in handy in troubled waters. And you are a lucky man if surrounded by a bunch of well wishers in the form of friends and family. Every man fights his own battle. And you shall fight till you are dead. Play it like a video game. It’s more fun.
Considering the intensity of our involvements in the more frivolous aspects in our lives, this minimal effort is nothing more than a piece of writing. Lets us examine the major and minor categories of involvements and our treatment towards them. When I think about happiness I think about sex and satisfaction. I would like to replace the word sex with ‘loov making’ as I believe without feelings a sexual experience isn’t absolute. This is one of our major involvements that should be treated with respect. Don’t do it because humans have this natural instinct. Focus more on the quality than the quantity. Trust me it can do wonders. (Doesn’t mean to decrease the count). Make ‘loov’ with somebody whom you think is worthy of it. Such a discretionary choice is vital to ensure realization of the fulfillment of your hidden and most sensitive feelings. I find myself under-equipped to define them. My attempt to do so suggests relief from the never ending instances of pain, trust upon trust of your partner for you and immense pleasure.
The art of capitalizing satisfaction requires a keen interest for life in general. This may include frequent and short term activities and rare and long term activities. The focus is more on the latter because they are prominent and consolidated. This is acceptable unless the former isn’t skimmed out. This idea is only a reinforcement of the bare facts of life that ironically we manage to ignore. Satisfaction is stamped as a destination and there is a constant effort to reach it via various materialist and emotional paths. We fight, hurt our own people, become selfish and arrogant and try to use all possible measures to reach the goal. And as we come closer to the goal we rappel even faster from the reality to illusion. An illusion that shouts “satisfaction guaranteed”.
The harder we try the more difficult it gets. Drawn swords are for the war to save the little satisfaction that one might get in making efforts to sustain it.
Hey! Do you ever feel an urge to talk to a street urchin or a stranger? Travelling in a taxi or plane, does it feel nice to initiate a smile to the fellow traveler? Due to some odd mental block you choose to ignore these urges. Just the way we ignore the importance of loov and compassion in our lives. How we let our ego dominate our senses and prohibit even diminutive exploitation of small moments of joy. Tease your lover and show her your loov. Tell her that you can do anything for her, even if you guys have been lighting your ego lamps for months now. Tickle your dad, buy him some nice liquor and share a drink with him. Light his cigarette. Carry your mom’ s purse for a change. Say thank you to your domestic help when he/she gets you a glass of water. Its common mistake that letting go means cheating on your partner to find satisfaction.
Satisfaction lies within and it’s the cause and remedy for stress. It begets happiness. A satisfied soul is happy.
Adverse conditions aren’t in our control, tackling them is. A friend of mine told me that if you feel trapped think of your life as a movie and be an observer to yourself. Also articles like these come in handy in troubled waters. And you are a lucky man if surrounded by a bunch of well wishers in the form of friends and family. Every man fights his own battle. And you shall fight till you are dead. Play it like a video game. It’s more fun.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I am responsible for my current state
Sometimes it doesn’t feel good at all. Lately I have developed this strangeness which is acceptable in case of people who are new to it. My experience in going through such situations has been tremendous. So this strangeness appears rather weird. In being true to myself I realized that I have admitted to the fact that my perplexed state of mind is nothing but my skill of indecisiveness. So when I say that I don’t feel good I also know that I am responsible for it. I see people so bold and confident, those ready to take utmost risk and even pump in that extra bit or may be even more to achieve what they dreamt of. Some think ahead of time and reach the milestones faster than others and some just run late. There are a privileged few who can just dream of anything and there a few for whom whatever they think of becomes a dream.
The rest fall in to a category called middle class, where the ability to take risk is forfeited in the memorandum of understanding for life. And so they dream when they sleep and lead a very secure and calculated life. And when they die, we say a good man is dead. I have spent more than two decades of my life just thinking about how good I would feel when I would achieve a certain something. Just that thought lets me sleep well.
Lately when I get up in the morning I hate myself, normally I feel lazy even to do that. It’s a combination of an inherited sense going steady in life averting every possible risk and feeling great about average success. The second thing is the subtle overconfidence that above par capabilities would yield even in the worst case scenario at least at par results. I may be happy in what I do now but the thought of the things that I wish to do makes me happier. So when I say that I don’t feel good I also know that I am responsible for it because I do nothing about it.
The rest fall in to a category called middle class, where the ability to take risk is forfeited in the memorandum of understanding for life. And so they dream when they sleep and lead a very secure and calculated life. And when they die, we say a good man is dead. I have spent more than two decades of my life just thinking about how good I would feel when I would achieve a certain something. Just that thought lets me sleep well.
Lately when I get up in the morning I hate myself, normally I feel lazy even to do that. It’s a combination of an inherited sense going steady in life averting every possible risk and feeling great about average success. The second thing is the subtle overconfidence that above par capabilities would yield even in the worst case scenario at least at par results. I may be happy in what I do now but the thought of the things that I wish to do makes me happier. So when I say that I don’t feel good I also know that I am responsible for it because I do nothing about it.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Survive the pink slip
You're about to get fired. Don't panic. Sure, you're set to take a blow, but with a little planning, you can minimise the pain and end up with a better life. Here's your guide to doing just this.
1. Don't get ambushed
The moment it even crosses your mind that you might get canned, get ready.
• Copy your computer address book and contact information onto your home computer.
• Make a list of everyone you'd call if you got fired, and call them now-while you have a job. Just call to say, "Hi, how's the family?"
• Make sure you have a six-month money cushion. The banks won't help you once you've lost a job. "What you may be able to get is a personal loan but at high interest against collateral such as your house or gold," says Preeti Monga, director, Silver Linings, New Delhi.
• Update your resume on the job portals.
• Discuss your job status with somebody in authority. Be direct. Do it before the rumours start making you uneasy. This way, you'll have a reinforcement plan in place without pressure.
2. Channelise the shift neatly
There is a need to be convinced that you are managing the unforeseen efficiently, so set milestones:
• A worthy effort to retain your current job. When D-day arrives, market your worth to the management for one last time. Mention anything that may give you the slightest leverage. Don't give the impression that you are ready to submit your papers.
• A convenient exit if the efforts fail. Be prepared. When you are sure that the goat will be slaughtered, shift your focus for a smoother exit. Hold your head high.
• Make sure your manager gives you strong references and recommendations.
• Maintain an affable connection with the HR. Oh yes! Keep the doors open.
• Set up a budget for the upcoming months. A precise and consolidated budget holds the key to stay balanced. Married or single, reprioritise your vital financial needs. It pays to be prudent.
• Be extra cautious with your credit card expenses. It's not easy to pay your bills when you don't have steady income. In fact, try to clear off the debt while you still have a job.
• Lower your personal cost of living noticeably. Take a careful and close look at your regular monthly and quarterly expenses. Tightening your belt for a bit at a time like this is a good idea.
3. Don't hit the panic button just yet
"A lost job doesn't mean that you need to wallow in self pity," says Dr Smita Pandey, senior research psychologist, Cogtest Services Pvt Ltd. People, especially those in the age group of 25 to 35 tend to go into bouts of depression when they lose a job. And they don't necessarily wait until they've been let go. They can start feeling blue when the news of cutbacks are just rumours. However, unforeseen circumstances also kick in the ability to reinforce a new plan of action.A confident approach towards fighting the odds keeps the ball rolling in your favour. Tell yourself a zillion times that you can't afford to sit and crib. "Don't lose heart, and don't be ashamed", says Dr Pandey.Remember the guy who was the life of the party? Yeah, so you buried that side of you under that mountain of work. Now's the time to get in touch with him again. Take the time you have between jobs to catch up with family and friends. They've gotten used to not having you around, so it's time to reclaim your spot as the king.
4. Follow your dreams
The time's also perfect to resurrect lost dreams. Follow your instincts to be somebody you always wanted to be. "Rekindling your aspirations serves as a great stress-buster and allows for freedom of thought and imagination," says Dr Pandey. There's plenty of time at hand. Write, join the gym, take up a sport you've never played, sketch; pursue anything that ignites your passion. Stuff that power suit in the almirah, pull on some jeans, an old shirt and try your hand at sculpting if that's what you've wanted to do. Just remember that it's never too late to start over. All the better if it brings in an income.
Friday, January 2, 2009
"I know and I am trying"- A disease!
Don’t push me, I know and I am trying. It’s always difficult to accept that one can end up being a failure. It’s even harder to convince oneself that he can be an escapist in the making. An under confident being who is not ready to come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t even know what he can achieve. Bluntly, what he wants. This is the first stage of the fatal disease.
Further on the victim is suffering from a condition of not even making an effort to know oneself. The second stage comes when one thinks one knows ‘who’ he is and begins procrastinating for the remedy. This stage leads to a deadly two-way front. The left front (curable like a seasonal fever) leads to laying down action steps and begin searching for valid evidences that can help define the personality. The right front is the torch bearer for the third stage. Slipping into the right front one believes that life has a lot to offer and agrees that life is long enough to take critical steps that would then identify the objectives. The idea of finding an objective becomes the objective itself.
Deviating away from what I intend to express using the above facts, I would like to point out a key observation. When somebody gradually becomes a victim of this disease he stands totally unaware of what’s in store for him. However the onlookers know exactly what’s happening and how it can be cured (most of them only think that they do). One of the symptoms of this condition is that the victim turns a deaf ear to what his intimates have to say. Adding a personal note I would like to reveal that I have suffered from it in the past and it took me 18 months to get cured. It makes you cynical enough to lose the precious word in the dictionary, ‘time’.
Getting deeper into the shit hole he starts enjoying what he has and delves into relatively newer avenues. This helps to stagnate upon the perplexed state of mind momentarily and importantly superficially. That can even last for a few years. Like a garbage picker anything and everything that comes on the way is jumped at and cherished. However, the lava inside his brain quietly waits for a vent. It takes a decent friction to generate the spark that would burn the lights to travel on stage four. It can be as simple as a ‘break-up’, a bad job or a failure to strike a balance between work and your personal life or even an extra-ordinarily bad day. It can be varied depending on the condition of the victim.
‘Cynicism in its literal dictionary meaning, with all the meanings mentioned’ is what I would define this stage as. The then picked up fragments of life are now under the scanner. They are scrutinized and dumped. In fact the most critical pieces are kept. And I am being very candid here; they are the ones that face the brunt of this devastation that is just about to begin. A series of incompetent acts follow. The feeling of nothingness creeps in and whatever has been built so far appears unworthy and fake. There is a strong disagreement to the way life has been lead so far and the officers of suffocation start questioning the beliefs. The victim is mostly a person who hasn’t tested many of his beliefs but holds a strong opinion about them. He also wants to mould himself into them even if he is not compatible. I have a positive opinion about such a self motivated effort. But at this stage it clutters the head with unimaginable situations. For example, a situation could be what if the head of your family is dead? Are you capable enough to take on the responsibility? Or statements like – what if your better half is picked up by some miscreants and molested, what would you do? Or what if she likes someone else and is only sympathetic towards you? The questions are very open ended and are framed to bury you further into negativity.
Every situation is observed contrary to the required approach with a torch of skepticism. Crushed are the little emotions that are the foundation of each cherished moment.
If the victim is intelligent, nobody can imagine what pain he is in apart from the shattered look in his behavior. His inner wit (the defense mechanism to fight the virus of this disease) is in constant conflict against the false imagery the virus paints for him. He suffers every minute. In fact hates himself for not being able to stop the virus. Hating oneself for the incapability to refrain from the web of thoughts is an agony only the sufferer can feel. Helplessness and dismay make him run to seek for solace. Every man seeks solace in the ‘loov’ of his life. And she slowly suffers with him. Every time the virus goes berserk and treats his feelings and opinions like carcass on a deserted ship he is pushed a step more towards darkness and loneliness. When the bug lets him breathe he say, “I know and I am trying…”
Further on the victim is suffering from a condition of not even making an effort to know oneself. The second stage comes when one thinks one knows ‘who’ he is and begins procrastinating for the remedy. This stage leads to a deadly two-way front. The left front (curable like a seasonal fever) leads to laying down action steps and begin searching for valid evidences that can help define the personality. The right front is the torch bearer for the third stage. Slipping into the right front one believes that life has a lot to offer and agrees that life is long enough to take critical steps that would then identify the objectives. The idea of finding an objective becomes the objective itself.
Deviating away from what I intend to express using the above facts, I would like to point out a key observation. When somebody gradually becomes a victim of this disease he stands totally unaware of what’s in store for him. However the onlookers know exactly what’s happening and how it can be cured (most of them only think that they do). One of the symptoms of this condition is that the victim turns a deaf ear to what his intimates have to say. Adding a personal note I would like to reveal that I have suffered from it in the past and it took me 18 months to get cured. It makes you cynical enough to lose the precious word in the dictionary, ‘time’.
Getting deeper into the shit hole he starts enjoying what he has and delves into relatively newer avenues. This helps to stagnate upon the perplexed state of mind momentarily and importantly superficially. That can even last for a few years. Like a garbage picker anything and everything that comes on the way is jumped at and cherished. However, the lava inside his brain quietly waits for a vent. It takes a decent friction to generate the spark that would burn the lights to travel on stage four. It can be as simple as a ‘break-up’, a bad job or a failure to strike a balance between work and your personal life or even an extra-ordinarily bad day. It can be varied depending on the condition of the victim.
‘Cynicism in its literal dictionary meaning, with all the meanings mentioned’ is what I would define this stage as. The then picked up fragments of life are now under the scanner. They are scrutinized and dumped. In fact the most critical pieces are kept. And I am being very candid here; they are the ones that face the brunt of this devastation that is just about to begin. A series of incompetent acts follow. The feeling of nothingness creeps in and whatever has been built so far appears unworthy and fake. There is a strong disagreement to the way life has been lead so far and the officers of suffocation start questioning the beliefs. The victim is mostly a person who hasn’t tested many of his beliefs but holds a strong opinion about them. He also wants to mould himself into them even if he is not compatible. I have a positive opinion about such a self motivated effort. But at this stage it clutters the head with unimaginable situations. For example, a situation could be what if the head of your family is dead? Are you capable enough to take on the responsibility? Or statements like – what if your better half is picked up by some miscreants and molested, what would you do? Or what if she likes someone else and is only sympathetic towards you? The questions are very open ended and are framed to bury you further into negativity.
Every situation is observed contrary to the required approach with a torch of skepticism. Crushed are the little emotions that are the foundation of each cherished moment.
If the victim is intelligent, nobody can imagine what pain he is in apart from the shattered look in his behavior. His inner wit (the defense mechanism to fight the virus of this disease) is in constant conflict against the false imagery the virus paints for him. He suffers every minute. In fact hates himself for not being able to stop the virus. Hating oneself for the incapability to refrain from the web of thoughts is an agony only the sufferer can feel. Helplessness and dismay make him run to seek for solace. Every man seeks solace in the ‘loov’ of his life. And she slowly suffers with him. Every time the virus goes berserk and treats his feelings and opinions like carcass on a deserted ship he is pushed a step more towards darkness and loneliness. When the bug lets him breathe he say, “I know and I am trying…”
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